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Sunday, November 23, 2014
I Think I Have a Problem
I really dont know how to start this, I try to eat under 500 calories a day, it`s all I think about, and I`m always hungry, I`m tall,(5`9) so I`m larger then nearly all my friendsss, i also want to be a model when I grow up, and I know that sound`s really girly and stupid but it`s what I`ve alway`s wanted to do. I used to self harm, and I have a feeling I`m going to start to do it again, I feel like I`m in the same mindset I was last time I did it . I really try to limit myself, even though i have no self control, I`m training it. Ive lost 10 lbs in three weeks, this may not seem like much but it`s a big deal for me. every morning i weigh myself and i write down my progress in a little notepad, if i put on any weight, or dont loose any, it ruins my day. I`m not a perfectionist person, quite the opposite, I`m kind of a `hopeless case` my teacher`s call me. Everywhere I go I always feel like someones judging me or looking at me,I get so paranoid it drive`s me insane. The hunger get`s to much sometimes, and I just sit in my room and cry. I dont like going over my 500 kcals, cause I know, that if I start eating, I just wont be able to stop. I know there`s no way I could be anorexic, because the one thing I do know, is that you have to be underweight, or at least skinny , to be considered anorexic, fat people cant be anorexic, fact. I HATE eating in front/with people. Just the noises they make and you see it going down their throat, it does make me feel physically sick. Yesterday I realised something so sad I cried for 5 hours. The only part out of my whole body/physical appearance i actually like are my eyes, and that`s only when I`m wearing eyeliner and mascara . How depressing is that. I know I dont have a full blown eating disorder, but I know somethings wrong. I feel tired all the time, I get insomnia, I feel so weak and shakey, this is going to sound melodramatic but I really dont care, I`ve even thought about commiting suicide.It`s not even like I come from a `broken home` or my parents beat more or anything like that. I live in a nice house, I`m not a loser, but then again I`m not majorly popular.but I feel all the time like I`ve got this mask up, it sounds totally cliche but it`s true, I have a good laugh with my mates and that, but the seccond I`m alone, it feel`s like, it`s all crashing down Pleasee can someone talk back on this or reply, It`s been driving me actually insane, and I cannot talk to anyone else Xx
You have a very real reason to be concerned. Many of the symptoms you describe point to the possibliity that you may be developing a full blown eating disorder. It would be very important to have an asssessment for an eating disorder as soon as possible. Not konwing what state or area you live in, please consider looking at the National Eating Disorder Asssociation website where they have national listings of eating disorder sites where assessments can be offered.
Your dieting under 500 calories is setting you up to fail. Eating that amount is equal to starvation, and your body will begin to uncontrollably binge eat to keep you alive. You can actually end up gaining more fat by eating so little.
Laura L Hill, PhD
Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry
College of Medicine
The Ohio State University